So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
