I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
