lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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