I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
