Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
