i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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