You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.