I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.