Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents