I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
