He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
