I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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