sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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