Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
