I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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