I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
that is very illegal...i love you.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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