I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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