I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
