Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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