I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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