Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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