I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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