Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
