Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
