apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
