He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
