Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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