never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
