I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
