In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
