Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
