they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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