Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
