I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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