In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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