After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
