I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
