he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can I color on your dick again?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
