i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
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