I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
