Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
