I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
