Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
