i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
