u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
