I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
