i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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