I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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