there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
