Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
