If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
