hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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