What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
