this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
