Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
