you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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