sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
