Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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