i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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