how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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