When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
NoShamevember. You game?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
