Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
