Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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