id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
