an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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