i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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